Londoners Love Affair with…Baseball?

Police say the cause of the incident stemmed 
from the driver using his salad fork with his main course.

 London- In a shocking and bold move, the new owners of the Los Angeles Dodgers professional baseball club have decided to move their club to London for the 2013 season. It is an historic announcement and one that has shaken the city and has the people of Los Angeles in an uproar. Picketers and demonstrators have already taken up round the clock vigils outside Dodger Stadium in an effort to put a halt to this surprising turn of events.

When reached for comment, one of the new owners of the Los Angeles Dodgers, former Los Angeles Lakers basketball star, Burger King owner, and late night talk show host, Earvin “Magic” Johnson said,

“I don’t really know shit about baseball, you know? I’m a basketball guy! I am strictly going by baseball cap sales alone. And what we’ve discovered is that the city of London, as it relates to baseball cap sales must have the biggest baseball fan base in the world! It seemed like a no brainer.”

This intrepid reporter decided to take it upon himself and take to the streets of South London, inform the youths about this surprising turn of events and ask a few of these chaps wearing the caps about this historic news. On a recent visit to Peckham, I asked a group of youths wearing Dodgers caps what they thought.

Connor: Hello lads. I can see you are big baseball fans!

Youth: Baseball? That’s like rounders yeah? For fucking girls bruv! What the fuck is you on about?

Connor: I was just wondering what you thought about your beloved Dodgers moving to London next year.

Youth: Who the fuck is you bruv?

Connor: I’m a journalist and I just wanted to know your thoughts.

Youth: Who the Dodgers you fucking idiot?

Connor: They are the team on the cap that you’re wearing…right now. The professional baseball team.

Youth: I don’t watch no fuckin’ baseball, yeah? Shit, you better get the fuck out of here!”

It’s an open and shut case. Baseball is England’s sport of the future and London will be its epicentre. There is only one thing left to say. Let’s play ball!

Turkish Batmen Save Stroud Green from Looters! (Yeah, I said it!)

Seems okay for the time being in London. Things have slowed down a little bit as the action seems to have moved up north for some inexplicable reason. I hear that BNP leader Nick Griffin has blamed...any guesses here people, I mean, he must have other opinions on occasion and maybe come up with a logical well thought out idea...

But...that's right, he's blamed immigration for all of our rioty ills. Did anybody see those Turkish chaps, oh and I saw a Sikh chap as well, in Stroud Green outside lining the streets in front of their businesses? Bloody foreigners! Protecting our communities and such! Who do they think they are, huh? Law abiding citizens trying to protect their own neighborhoods and keep their families safe, or something? Wankers!

Seriously though. Much respect to these guys. They really do have courage and honour. They have earned their places in Stovokor!(That's a Star Trek reference, I am a geek...)

I Predict a Riot: Anarchy in the UK 2011

It is nine in the evening, last night, and I have just finished work in NW London. I was slightly worried and wondered what exactly I was going to see as I made my journey home to North London, Crouch End to be exact. I was receiving bits and pieces of rumours and he said she said all evening but, who knew what was true?

I boarded the train and the Jubilee line was eerily quiet and empty. I tried to read my copy of Caitlin Moran' funny new book but could not concentrate on the c*nt vs. vagina debate at the moment.

I changed at Green Park and the mood in the station was tense. The Victoria Line train to Walthomstow was not empty at all, but even quieter than the Jubilee line. People were scared. I could see it in their eyes. They were heading into the Heart of Darkness which is North London right now. They didn't know what they were going to find when they got there, and neither did I.

The queue for my W3 bus to Crouch End was like a queue at a funeral to see a dead body. Nobody talked. Everyone was fidgeting with something or rocking side to side. Nobody could stand still and nobody could take their mind off of what was happening in our city.

On the bus to Crouch End, which also goes to Wood Green and Turnpike Lane, people weren't sure if they were walking into a firestorm. Like going over the top in Vimy Ridge, they didn't know what to expect. I felt some trepidation, indeed, as we drove through Stroud Green and noticed that it had turned into a ghost town. It reminded me of that village that Toshiro Mifune walks into in Yojimbo, except less evil samurai. There was literally not a sole on the street, and by literally, I mean it the way the word should be used, not the way morons use it. Even the bloody Worlds End Pub was closed! I mean, the humanity!

I got home without incident and found that my local off licence was closed. No beer? Against my better judgment I walked further into the centre of the High Street and found a shop open. I passed the Blockbuster (Loc Buster) Video that has been vandalized last night and it looked...not bad. Crouch End was spared most of the violence.

As I walked home, avec beer, I noticed that the sky was quite red. I knew this was not the sun setting, this was fire, something very near me was on fire!

I rushed home, made sure my fiance was alright and checked all the news sources I could. What I found out over the course of the night is that London was indeed on fire! All around me, places were being smashed, cars were being lit of fire, Police being attacked, and general anarchy.

The gentleman who was killed, we do not know the full extent of that, so I will not comment. The people who peacefully protested, that is their right and I have no problem with that. But the people doing this must stop. They are destroying their own neighborhoods and putting good hardworking people out of their homes. People who are not going to have proper insurance, and who will likely never be able to replace the possessions they have been accumulating their entire lives.

These rioters and looters need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask themselves, "Why am I doing this? What is my ultimate goal?"
If it's revolution against a Tory government your're looking for, the goverment that is cutting spending on child benifits and closing youth clubs, well, it's something to be protested and discussed. But sadly, I have a sneaking suspicion that these youths and not-so-youths are doing this for more selfish reasons, more destructive reasons, more macho bragadocious douchbag-ish reasons.

People. The Tories and our government are shit, we all know that! And a little social unrest and protest can be a very good thing. But this nonsense is just a dirty, ugly, selfish incident involving hoodlums that makes the UK, and especially London, look like a fucking joke! I for one have a very bad taste in my mouth today. And if you are one of those cowardly looters is reading this, if you can read, you should be ashamed. What would your mother say?

PS. I had no time to re-read or edit this so if there are mistakes, I apologize.

Kapla!