Londoners Love Affair with…Baseball?

Police say the cause of the incident stemmed 
from the driver using his salad fork with his main course.

 London- In a shocking and bold move, the new owners of the Los Angeles Dodgers professional baseball club have decided to move their club to London for the 2013 season. It is an historic announcement and one that has shaken the city and has the people of Los Angeles in an uproar. Picketers and demonstrators have already taken up round the clock vigils outside Dodger Stadium in an effort to put a halt to this surprising turn of events.

When reached for comment, one of the new owners of the Los Angeles Dodgers, former Los Angeles Lakers basketball star, Burger King owner, and late night talk show host, Earvin “Magic” Johnson said,

“I don’t really know shit about baseball, you know? I’m a basketball guy! I am strictly going by baseball cap sales alone. And what we’ve discovered is that the city of London, as it relates to baseball cap sales must have the biggest baseball fan base in the world! It seemed like a no brainer.”

This intrepid reporter decided to take it upon himself and take to the streets of South London, inform the youths about this surprising turn of events and ask a few of these chaps wearing the caps about this historic news. On a recent visit to Peckham, I asked a group of youths wearing Dodgers caps what they thought.

Connor: Hello lads. I can see you are big baseball fans!

Youth: Baseball? That’s like rounders yeah? For fucking girls bruv! What the fuck is you on about?

Connor: I was just wondering what you thought about your beloved Dodgers moving to London next year.

Youth: Who the fuck is you bruv?

Connor: I’m a journalist and I just wanted to know your thoughts.

Youth: Who the Dodgers you fucking idiot?

Connor: They are the team on the cap that you’re wearing…right now. The professional baseball team.

Youth: I don’t watch no fuckin’ baseball, yeah? Shit, you better get the fuck out of here!”

It’s an open and shut case. Baseball is England’s sport of the future and London will be its epicentre. There is only one thing left to say. Let’s play ball!

PETA, Paul & Mary Jane

Yeah, they love Grey Goose Vodka!

Is it just me, or does nobody give a shit about fur anymore? I remember a time in the 90’s that if you wore a fur coat, sploosh, you got a face full of red paint by some hippie. Not only that, but your bitchin’ fur coat would get fucked up!

Nowadays, Kanye and Snoop wear fur and nobody says a goddamn thing about it really, apart from PETA. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against PETA, and I believe they have their place and do some good in the world. But in another way, they are a bit like ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf.’ They kick up a stink about every little thing and it starts to become white noise. They need to choose their battles a little more. Sure, save the whales and make sure animals aren’t abused. But I’ve got to say; I couldn’t care less about a jellyfish, cat or a rat. If you want to eat those, I say, go mental. There are loads of them and they aren’t going anywhere. I am being told that we should not eat cats…I stand corrected. Other than that I stand by what I have said!

When in comes to fur, as it relates to clothing, I guess people are too busy worrying about climate change, Wills and Kate, the Olympics, David Beckham, something Jeremy Clarkson said, phone tapping, Afghanistan and to a (much) lesser extent, Greece. I seem to recall that I myself used to be against fur…at least I think I was? It’s hard to remember now what with the years of boozing and let’s say, extra curricular activities. I remember when I was a bright-eyed youth living in Tokyo in my early twenties and tried to be a vegetarian. I’d heard that Paul McCartney was one and I am a huge Beatles nerd so I decided to give it a go. But then he married that woman, you know the one I mean, that pirate broad. It was then that I realised that sure, this guy wrote a few good songs back in the day, but he is clearly just some idiot like me. Not that I ever married a pirate, but I have definitely been with some scurvy dogs.

Speaking of dogs, what the hell is a chinchilla? Anybody have a clue? Would you know one if it ran past you? Is it a dog? The simple answer is, no. Basically, they are giant mice that are from South America. If you said you had a jacket or a stole made out of mice, they would fucking lock you up! The Walk Disney corporation would sue your ass and/or make you disappear from the face of the earth. I’m telling you, they bloody well would. Those dicks will sue you for anything. And by dicks, I of course mean private detectives…yes…that’s the ticket…I mean… I myself love Mickey Mouse and all that shit and…et cetera.  Are we cool Walt?

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, if you wore a Mickey Mouse stole, people would think you were mad! They might say,

“Hey, that person is mad!”

Or something to that effect. And what about the mink? As in the mink coat. You’ve heard of that. But what is it? Have you ever seen a mink running up your drive? They are like an otter or a weasel, or a combination of the two. Much like an Ewok I would like to think, though I’m no scientist. Would you really wear that cute little fuzzball that was a bit gay for Han Solo’s leg? I mean, what kind of monster are you?

On the flip side, it you wear a Chinese raccoon dog coat like Jay Zed, then hey, it’s cool. He’s married to Beyonce so it must be fine, yeah? He’s got 99 problems but a “bitch” ain’t one. See what I did there? I meant the dog…

In essence, my point, if I have one, is this; why do we use these specific animals, and a few more I’ve not mentioned, for fur coats and other clothes? They seem to be animals that we rarely see. Is this done on purpose I wonder? Are we as humans, in this day and age, not able to live alongside our clothes? Is it because they are coats that we don’t see them, or do we not want to see them, because they are our clothes? Are we ashamed that we use these animals for fashion, and others like a cute puppy dog, or a fluffy kitty cat, we do not. Have you seen a baby chinchilla? They are cute as fuck man! Do you have a leather jacket?  Maybe. Do you have a cocker spaniel vest? Not likely. Think about it. Now, I am no vegetarian and I do own a leather jacket. Do I agree with fur…hmm, I guess not. Am I going to do anything about it…man, who has the energy anymore?

Mayan Destruction 2012! (Or I was a bit busy)

So, does this thing have any beer in it?

 Greetings,

So, I've been hiding in an underground bunker for the last year a la Brendan Fraser and to a much lesser extent, Hitler. Apparently I took the this whole "end of the world in 2012" thing a bit too seriously. Also, to be fair, I was hoping to give the whole London Olympics a miss as well as I'm sure it's going to be a f@£$ing nightmare! Unfortunately, I ran out of fags and beer and had to resurface to scavenge for supplies but it turns out everything is fine...well relatively I suppose. I don't think Greece and Spain would agree...

Anyway, back to the nonsense!