Free Drinks! Mint Juleps at the Serpentine Gallery

Fact: In the 1920's Little People were only permitted to drink Mint Juleps in the US South.

My friend Nigel gets invited to a lot of parties. Never twice by the same person though. He has a tendency to abuse the free alcohol like an American kid at a chicken nugget buffet.

What usually happens is that he ends up shouting at somebody’s auntie then falls face first through a glass table whilst in mid soliloquy. He remembers nothing but has the scars to prove it.

He was invited to a gallery opening at the Serpentine in Hyde Park, some pretentious this or that, but often there is free booze. He was standing, well swaying, listening to a pretty little Oxbridge undergrad prattle on about the meaning of life and death. He politely nodded while fingering his ironic Tom Selleck moustache; drinking the only beverage available, free Mint Juleps, in order to get through this nightmare of a conversation. 

Nigel was beginning to lose interest in the conversation and wanted to have fun. This is always the dangerous moment where he shifts from an intelligent hipster into something much darker. I believe it’s called Oliver Reed Syndrome and if’s not, it bloody well should be!

“You're a writer I hear?” the Oxbridge girl asked, adjusting her thick black framed glasses.

“Oh, do not believe everything you hear my dear,” he said.

“I’m sorry, I thought you said that you were earlier.”

“Worry not, it happens all the time. What I said was that I am a biter.”

“I’m sorry?” she said, looking worried now.

“Sorry, I have a cold, yes I am a writer.”

She said nothing and let the last exchange pass as if it were a fart in a lift. It’s there, everybody knows it, but you say nothing.

"SO what do you think", she asked.

"Pardon me?"

"What do you want written on you're tombstone?"

Nigel had previously not been listening to the conversation between the douche class. He had been trying to figure out how many Mint Juleps it would take for him to be so drunk that the pretentious installation they were all pretending to be there for would actually become interesting."What's with all the ladders?" he said to me later.

The pretty little Oxbridge girl probably wanted him to say something witty and urbane, like on Dawson’s Creek. Or maybe something playfully cheeky like,

“See. I told you I was ill!”
"Oh you!" They would proclaim. "Absolutely top drawer that one Nige!"

But he didn't do that. He has a hard time fitting in at the best of times and after fifteen minty cocktails, he would not even attempt to.

He calmly said, and without hesitation,

“In place of a tombstone I would like a television connected to a CCTV camera in my casket. That way, people can pop round anytime they want to and watch me decompose. Wouldn’t that be lovely? Bugs eating my eyes, worms nibbling at my testicles. Of course I would be completely naked, that would be good wouldn't it!” he said, nudging a skinny tweed jacket wearing emo with black plastic framed glasses. Nobody laughed. Nobody took it as a joke. I wonder if he was joking really? Maybe he was just trying to get a rise out of the painfully hip/posh. Maybe he is seriously mentally ill? Nobody knows for sure. I thought it was funny.

In conclusion, Nigel is a moron. That much is certain. He is selfish and stupid, yet clever and insane. Nigel also shagged that pretty little Oxbridge girl not two hours later. So, there must be some method to his madness. Or maybe she thought it would be ironic?

Londoners Love Affair with…Baseball?

Police say the cause of the incident stemmed 
from the driver using his salad fork with his main course.

 London- In a shocking and bold move, the new owners of the Los Angeles Dodgers professional baseball club have decided to move their club to London for the 2013 season. It is an historic announcement and one that has shaken the city and has the people of Los Angeles in an uproar. Picketers and demonstrators have already taken up round the clock vigils outside Dodger Stadium in an effort to put a halt to this surprising turn of events.

When reached for comment, one of the new owners of the Los Angeles Dodgers, former Los Angeles Lakers basketball star, Burger King owner, and late night talk show host, Earvin “Magic” Johnson said,

“I don’t really know shit about baseball, you know? I’m a basketball guy! I am strictly going by baseball cap sales alone. And what we’ve discovered is that the city of London, as it relates to baseball cap sales must have the biggest baseball fan base in the world! It seemed like a no brainer.”

This intrepid reporter decided to take it upon himself and take to the streets of South London, inform the youths about this surprising turn of events and ask a few of these chaps wearing the caps about this historic news. On a recent visit to Peckham, I asked a group of youths wearing Dodgers caps what they thought.

Connor: Hello lads. I can see you are big baseball fans!

Youth: Baseball? That’s like rounders yeah? For fucking girls bruv! What the fuck is you on about?

Connor: I was just wondering what you thought about your beloved Dodgers moving to London next year.

Youth: Who the fuck is you bruv?

Connor: I’m a journalist and I just wanted to know your thoughts.

Youth: Who the Dodgers you fucking idiot?

Connor: They are the team on the cap that you’re wearing…right now. The professional baseball team.

Youth: I don’t watch no fuckin’ baseball, yeah? Shit, you better get the fuck out of here!”

It’s an open and shut case. Baseball is England’s sport of the future and London will be its epicentre. There is only one thing left to say. Let’s play ball!

PETA, Paul & Mary Jane

Yeah, they love Grey Goose Vodka!

Is it just me, or does nobody give a shit about fur anymore? I remember a time in the 90’s that if you wore a fur coat, sploosh, you got a face full of red paint by some hippie. Not only that, but your bitchin’ fur coat would get fucked up!

Nowadays, Kanye and Snoop wear fur and nobody says a goddamn thing about it really, apart from PETA. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against PETA, and I believe they have their place and do some good in the world. But in another way, they are a bit like ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf.’ They kick up a stink about every little thing and it starts to become white noise. They need to choose their battles a little more. Sure, save the whales and make sure animals aren’t abused. But I’ve got to say; I couldn’t care less about a jellyfish, cat or a rat. If you want to eat those, I say, go mental. There are loads of them and they aren’t going anywhere. I am being told that we should not eat cats…I stand corrected. Other than that I stand by what I have said!

When in comes to fur, as it relates to clothing, I guess people are too busy worrying about climate change, Wills and Kate, the Olympics, David Beckham, something Jeremy Clarkson said, phone tapping, Afghanistan and to a (much) lesser extent, Greece. I seem to recall that I myself used to be against fur…at least I think I was? It’s hard to remember now what with the years of boozing and let’s say, extra curricular activities. I remember when I was a bright-eyed youth living in Tokyo in my early twenties and tried to be a vegetarian. I’d heard that Paul McCartney was one and I am a huge Beatles nerd so I decided to give it a go. But then he married that woman, you know the one I mean, that pirate broad. It was then that I realised that sure, this guy wrote a few good songs back in the day, but he is clearly just some idiot like me. Not that I ever married a pirate, but I have definitely been with some scurvy dogs.

Speaking of dogs, what the hell is a chinchilla? Anybody have a clue? Would you know one if it ran past you? Is it a dog? The simple answer is, no. Basically, they are giant mice that are from South America. If you said you had a jacket or a stole made out of mice, they would fucking lock you up! The Walk Disney corporation would sue your ass and/or make you disappear from the face of the earth. I’m telling you, they bloody well would. Those dicks will sue you for anything. And by dicks, I of course mean private detectives…yes…that’s the ticket…I mean… I myself love Mickey Mouse and all that shit and…et cetera.  Are we cool Walt?

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, if you wore a Mickey Mouse stole, people would think you were mad! They might say,

“Hey, that person is mad!”

Or something to that effect. And what about the mink? As in the mink coat. You’ve heard of that. But what is it? Have you ever seen a mink running up your drive? They are like an otter or a weasel, or a combination of the two. Much like an Ewok I would like to think, though I’m no scientist. Would you really wear that cute little fuzzball that was a bit gay for Han Solo’s leg? I mean, what kind of monster are you?

On the flip side, it you wear a Chinese raccoon dog coat like Jay Zed, then hey, it’s cool. He’s married to Beyonce so it must be fine, yeah? He’s got 99 problems but a “bitch” ain’t one. See what I did there? I meant the dog…

In essence, my point, if I have one, is this; why do we use these specific animals, and a few more I’ve not mentioned, for fur coats and other clothes? They seem to be animals that we rarely see. Is this done on purpose I wonder? Are we as humans, in this day and age, not able to live alongside our clothes? Is it because they are coats that we don’t see them, or do we not want to see them, because they are our clothes? Are we ashamed that we use these animals for fashion, and others like a cute puppy dog, or a fluffy kitty cat, we do not. Have you seen a baby chinchilla? They are cute as fuck man! Do you have a leather jacket?  Maybe. Do you have a cocker spaniel vest? Not likely. Think about it. Now, I am no vegetarian and I do own a leather jacket. Do I agree with fur…hmm, I guess not. Am I going to do anything about it…man, who has the energy anymore?

Mayan Destruction 2012! (Or I was a bit busy)

So, does this thing have any beer in it?

 Greetings,

So, I've been hiding in an underground bunker for the last year a la Brendan Fraser and to a much lesser extent, Hitler. Apparently I took the this whole "end of the world in 2012" thing a bit too seriously. Also, to be fair, I was hoping to give the whole London Olympics a miss as well as I'm sure it's going to be a f@£$ing nightmare! Unfortunately, I ran out of fags and beer and had to resurface to scavenge for supplies but it turns out everything is fine...well relatively I suppose. I don't think Greece and Spain would agree...

Anyway, back to the nonsense!